she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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