Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
