he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize