Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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