She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
