Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
