Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
