I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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