I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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