I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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