Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
