could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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