I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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