ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he had hair everywhere except his balls
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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