I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
