I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
