They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I need a burrito and a hug.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
