My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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