I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
