I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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