Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
