fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
