Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
