If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
