Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
