A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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