Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I love you. Go after that dick
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
