what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
