i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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