i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
