WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
