Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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