I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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