There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
