awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
