Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
