So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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