Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
