dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
