Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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