In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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