if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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