Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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