apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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