Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
