Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
