I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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