I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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