i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
