You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just want to make out with him forever
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
