My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
