it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
