I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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