Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
