I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
