you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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