What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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