i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
