Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
