Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
